


Four Ways Erin Gilbert's Life Changed Forever (And One Thing That's Still the Same)

by Lysippe



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-19
Updated: 2016-08-19
Packaged: 2018-08-09 18:31:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7812598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lysippe/pseuds/Lysippe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mostly an Erin character study, but there's definitely some Holtzbert in there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Four Ways Erin Gilbert's Life Changed Forever (And One Thing That's Still the Same)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic for this fandom, and I'm not quite sure I've got the voices down yet, but I've been agonizing over it for several weeks trying to get it right and I think I'm close enough for now.

i. girl power 

Erin was the only female physics major in her year at MIT. She remembers sitting at her graduation ceremony thinking - as Elliott Bryant, Robert Carlin, and Sean Chatham ascended the steps one by one - that those brochures they sent out with smiling, diverse students were a crock of shit. Her entire class was full of guys, all of whom thought they were both much smarter and much cooler than they actually were.

Erin smoked all of their asses in every class.

She graduated top of her class from the most renowned science school in the country, and her advisor nearly had an aneurism when she told him that she would be pursuing her PhD elsewhere. She didn't even apply. She just hated MIT so, so much. 

She hated being The Girl. 

She hated how her classmates ranked their grades without including her in the list (she would have been first).

She hated her roommate's insane obsession with being One Of The Guys, no matter what she had to do to achieve that status. 

And she hated how much it worked. (After all, no one high-fived Erin when she stood up to collect her diploma. She was actually pretty sure she heard at least one person boo.)

So Erin did her PhD at Princeton instead, where she was one of three girls in their physics program. She still graduated at the top of her class, but people seemed to hate her less for it. And she, in turn, didn't hate Princeton.

And Princeton led to BU, which led to Columbia, which led to... here. Nineteen-year-old Erin would hate her for not caring (much) how far her career had fallen, but present-day Erin realizes that she never even had the opportunity to realize how very much she enjoyed not being The Girl Scientist anymore.

Because the women she works with now are every bit as smart as the men at any of her Institutions of Higher Learning, but there is no more ass-kissing; no more comments about her clothes (except from Holtzmann, who is just really fixated on her blouses for some reason); and no more having to prove that her boobs don't actually affect her ability to think.

Erin isn't a tenured professor of physics at Columbia, or any other university, and she never will be. (Not even the Kenneth P. Higgins Institute of Science, which she isn't particularly upset about, but that's still a little depressing to her.) She lives in a firehouse, not an apartment (because while the government may fully fund their research, they aren't exactly generous with the stipends). Her life is nothing like the life she worked so hard for. But when she thinks back on it now, she isn't really sure she wanted that life anyway.

And she's okay with that.

\---

ii. respect 

For the first time in her life, Erin feels respected. 

When she tells Holtzmann that, she points out that Erin has a PhD from an ivy leave school and was almost a tenured professor at Columbia, and why the hell would anyone _not_ respect that? 

But Holtzmann has seemingly inhuman levels of self-confidence (Erin sometimes wonders a little how hard she went through the wringer to come out that way), and Erin doesn't have the energy to explain that no one at MIT, or Princeton, or BU, or Columbia, ever thought any of those things made her deserving of anything. After all, they all had those things, _plus_ a penis, so Erin usually got relegated to "pretty good for a girl" status. 

Abby doesn't understand, either. Not really. Sure, she's been subject to equal-or-greater levels of societal scorn for as long as Erin, but Abby has always been better at throwing her middle fingers in the air and telling anyone who will listen (as well as a lot of people who won't) to go fuck themselves. That was part of what drove them apart, all those years ago: Abby doesn't care enough, and Erin cares too much. 

Patty understands a little (her job at the MTA wasn't exactly glamorous), but is quick to remind Erin that, _"Baby, all that matters is that you respect_ yourself _. None of those other people get to tell you what you're worth."_

Like it's that easy. 

But Patty, like Holtzmann, has never been one for self-doubt. She knows her worth, and she doesn't see any reason why, with enough time and the right set of circumstances, she wouldn't be able to make everyone else see it, too. 

But that isn't Erin. 

Erin has exactly zero confidence in any of her abilities that have not been categorically proven in a measurable way. She knows she's smart, because she got into Princeton and MIT. She knows she's not hideous, because she at least got a few matches on Tinder from not-hideous guys before she deleted her account. But beyond what she knows, Erin has never, not once in her life, _felt_ respected.

Until now.

She has never, even for the briefest of moments, doubted that her fellow Ghostbusters respect her. They respect her as a scientist, and as a person, and Erin realizes that she never even stopped to think that maybe she actually deserved that all along.

And that is maybe the saddest thing of all. 

\---

iii. flirting 

It's different when Holtzmann flirts with her. 

Different from the guys in college who thought offering the only girl in their class tutoring sessions was a good way to get in her pants (if their dicks had been as big as their egos, this might have worked better for them). 

Different from the men on the dating sites (God, so many dating sites) who thought it was just _so awesome_ that she was a Lady Scientist, until they realized that Erin Gilbert was kind of a genius and freaked out, usually leaving her awkwardly assuring her very nice waiter at a very nice restaurant that her date probably just had Chipotle for lunch and would definitely be back from the bathroom soon. 

They never were. 

She even tried Tinder once, but after she matched with one of her students, who apparently thought she was desperate enough to fuck him in exchange for a better grade (she's glad she never got the chance to discover whether or not he was right), Erin deleted her account and never looked back.

But when Holtzmann flirts with her, there's no pretense. No subtle undertone of competition. Holtzmann isn't intimidated that Erin is smart, because Holtzmann is on her level (maybe a little higher). 

Awkward introductions have been exchanged for the best and worst science pick-up lines Erin has ever heard. ( _"That skirt would look even better accelerating towards my bedroom floor at 9.8 m/s2."_ ). 

Awkward first dates are now nights in, watching Ghost Jumpers and eating their body weight in pizza (they don't order Chinese food because that's Abby's thing and she just has a lot of feelings about it). 

Awkward ass-grabbing on the subway... Well, that still happens, but at least it isn't the highest form of physical affection Erin gets anymore, which is an improvement.

Erin has met a few mad scientist types in her day (she's pretty sure it just comes with the territory), and they've never really been her thing, but the way Holtzmann lights up when she's showing off a new gadget, or how her whole body tenses when someone tries one of her inventions for the first time (Holtzmann is never her own guinea pig), is an entirely different experience. 

And Erin isn't into mad scientists (she isn't even into girls, to be honest), but she thinks she might be into Holtzmann. 

\---

iv. nicknames

Erin remembers the first time she was called Ghost Girl. The hundreds of subsequent repetitions have all long since blurred together, but you don't just forget the moment your entire life - past, present, and future - comes to a screeching halt, spins out of control, then self destructs. 

She was never one of the popular kids, but up until that point, Erin at least had one friend. Granted it was just the one, and Erin was really more of the "none of my other friends are around" type of friend, but even then she knew that beggars didn't get to be choosers, and a fair-weather friend was better than no friends at all. 

And then that friend told the entire school that Erin was in therapy because _she keeps saying she saw a ghost and oh, my god, how weird is that,_ and no friends is exactly what Erin ended up with. 

And that's what she thinks of the first time Holtzmann uses the nickname. Her chest tightens just a little bit. For just a second, she's eight years old again, and everyone she thought was pretty apathetic about her existence has decided that she is suddenly the best joke of all time. In that moment, she fully expects the casual "Hey, Ghost Girl," to be accompanied by a question about whether she was really sure her ghost wasn't just a friend she had hallucinated for herself, since she obviously didn't have any. 

But instead, what follows is a gentle nudge and a wry laugh. "Or should I say, Dr. Ghost Girl?" 

And just like that, everything is okay. Because kids are stupid and mean, and so are adults, but Erin has real friends now - ones who believe her, and believe _in_ her, and she has a feeling that Holtzmann knows better than any of them that sometimes the best thing to do with personal tragedies, is to laugh at them. 

She leans in, meaning to nudge back, but gets caught up in the truly bizarre (but oddly pleasant) scent of motor oil and strawberry shampoo, and forgets the moving-away part of nudging entirely. 

"Just Ghost Girl is fine."

\---

v. Abby

Abby is still the best friend Erin could ever ask for and totally not deserve. It is Abby who knows her better than anyone, and Abby who always respected Erin in all her insane life choices, even when she hated her guts for it. (She had let her walk away, after all, because she knew that she couldn't make Erin not pursue what she wanted, even if it cost her their friendship in the process.)

So when Erin goes to Abby one night and somehow, between hyperventilated breaths, manages to say, "AbbyIthinkIlikeHoltzmannandIswearIdidn'tmeantoandI'mnottryingtostealyourfriendandIdon'tknowwhatI'mdoingandamIgaynowhelp," Abby pulls her over to the couch and makes deep-breaths gestures at her. 

Erin is pretty sure that means she doesn't hate her.

"Erin," Abby says in her very best _I'm going to drop some serious truth bombs on you_ voice, "Do you really think _anyone_ doesn't know that?" 

Erin doesn't really know what to say about that because, to be honest, she _had_ thought that. "Apparently not," she says.

After a moment, Abby gives her a look Erin can't quite figure out. Then, she says, "She likes you, too. You know that. She's been flirting with you literally since the first time she saw you."

Erin can't even begin to bring herself to think that far back, lest she start hyperventilating again.

"Anyway," Abby continues breezily, as though she hadn't just completely thrown off Erin's fragile sense of equilibrium, "Just keep your clothes on in public areas, or I'll have to punch you with your girlfriend-to-be's rocket glove."  

And in all the ways Erin's life has changed, Abby never has, and Erin hopes she never does.


End file.
